To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
Isaiah 61:3
It was my second session ever with a Christian therapist. (Am I allowed to share this bit of taboo information?) She looked at me and asked, " So is there anything that you've been reflecting on from this week that you want to share?
"Yes" I said. " I've been reflecting on the fact that I think I am crazy and there is no hope for me."
" Julie" she laughed, " If you are crazy then I am crazy!"
" Good to know there is two of us then." I smiled
She leaned over and looked me in the eye, " The truth is whenever there is growth and change it can be very scary, you grieve your old self as you acknowledge the wounds and uncover the lies you believe. As you set out on this journey seeking His truth, the path may seem very unsettling at first. You are learning healthy boundaries. You are learning that it is OK to question things and express yourself. You are learning to trust again. This may be new ground and unfamiliar territory but remember that Jesus promised that if we seek Him
we will find Him.
Jesus wants to
give you beauty for your ashes.
Trust me Julie, you will one day be able to spread your wings and fly."
I giggled as I pondered the fact that I have a crazy therapist.
The option that I am sane amidst all the crazy triggers, depression, pain, built up walls and self- beat up sessions I've been going through while detoxing from unhealthy relationships, spiritual abuse and years of squashing all my emotions underground didn't seem very likely.
I mean what did I have to offer Jesus during this fiery furnace season of my life?
All I had was
ashes
mourning and
heaviness.
Not something that is a worthwhile gift to bring to the feet of Jesus in Christian circles. In fact it is can be an unspoken mark of shame. I bet most who struggle with pain, depression or mourning do so in
deadly silence.
For most of my life I practiced white knuckled Christianity. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and cleaned me up before I came to His feet.
Kind of like fixing your hair before going to see your hairstylist.
or
Painting your toe nails before going to your manicurist.
It is just plain goofy logic don't you think?
But I couldn't see how Jesus could redeem such ugly, shameful things. Who wants to admit they are in a season of mourning, ashes or heaviness?
Not me.
My pride says, this is NOT the route to go if you want to, Win Friends and Influence People.
The TRUTH said, " Every single one of my children have seasons of mourning, heaviness and ashes.
There is no shame. I want you to say
good bye to self sufficiency
and grab my hand my beloved. Jesus took me to the foot of the cross where grace and suffering meet. His grace and love poured over me with abundance.
It was there that I traded my ashes for beauty. The beauty of His truth, hope, love and grace embedded into my heart.
The oil of joy came by knowing the truth that I was loved, fought for and not alone.
Was I skipping and clapping my hands kissing babies and spreading fairy dust wherever I went after that?
Ummm...no.
It was a quiet joy found when I meditated on His truth and worshipped Him with my heart and soul.
A knowing.
I am loved.
There is hope.
This season will not last forever.
It is a process.
Jesus is giving me beauty for ashes.
To know that makes my heart sing.
7 comments:
Your words:
“I bet most who struggle with pain, depression or mourning do so in deadly silence.”
Julie – my family looks at me, surprised, when I tell them I have been “blessed” for the last nearly two decades – but NOT “happy” during that whole time. Actually most of my life, and I’m thousands of years older than you.
I’m actually peaceful now - with smidges of happy. Yet still a little afraid it will burst like a bubble – but it’s nice.
So right on – silence – I was trapped on that sinking ship right along with you.
It has taken years of his crushing discipline, and personal mistakes, and with the icing of illness on top of the cake, to chisel me into the kind of man God would have wanted me to be all along.
I’m sure he’s not done – but I think if I continue to walk this path the right way, the changes will be more of paint strokes instead of the hammer and chisel. I am glad I never once got mad at him for it. Never once. I thought it would be nice to be able to say that, when all was said and done. And it is.
Handsome (or pretty) little vessels that stand too proudly have to be broken before they can be used.
And nobody knew.
I heart your words. They are…
Magnificent :-)
Thank you Craig,
You are brave to share, I so enjoy seeing small pieces of your heart as you comment here.
"Handsome (or pretty) little vessels that stand too proudly have to be broken before they can be used." - Loved this!
Appreciate you!
Well Julie, I would like you to know that tonight I am an "Ash Heap"!
Unconsolable, unloveable, ugly, defeated and curled up under His Wing hoping to wake up His Sonshine on my face!
"Tears for tonight-Son in the morning".
Beautiful post Julie. I am almost afraid to comment for fear of ruining the quiet here. i crashed and burned almost 25 years ago and feel that God was/is able to take my ashes and make something out of them. I am not near the man I would like to be nor do I think what God wants but I know it is a process of becoming His vessel. Thanks for the continuing lessons of grace.
Penelope,
I hear you and I heard you last night as I listened to your pain. The truth is that you are a tender mom, aunt and mother-in-law.
You are beautiful.
I love you and I believe in you. You are not those words he said, you are Beloved and that is TRUTH.
Bill,
So glad that our Jesus can even redeem our ashes. Thank you for your continued encouraging words here, they are appreciated more then you know.
Hi,
I came across your blog because something you said on Sarah M.'s resonated with me. I met my undoing about 4 years ago...through the loving, helping counsel of a friend, I got the help I needed to realize that rules were not the same as relationship...and that despite my own perfectionism, that I did not need to earn His love...I couldn't. It was something I had always agreed about with my mouth, but needed to face reality to experience. Truth does set you free. But the painful undoing of falsehoods has to be faced--and reckoned with. And that valley is a hard one to take, where friends and family may or may not want to follow. The result is freedom, the continuing journey mixed joy and pain. Keep walking. He is good, and to be trusted.
Scott,
God continues to bring truth into my life. The truth that He is good and to be trusted, despite the pain of the journey. God used you today to remind me of that truth and for that I am so grateful.
I also want to say a warm "Welcome"
Post a Comment