Every Ending is a New Beginning
-TS Eliot
This blog has been a place of healing. I've met and forged beautiful friendships. Amazing hearts, some broken and bleeding, some on a journey to discover the true heart of Papa God. One of those beautiful souls is a young woman named Kate. She is strong and beautiful and I am truly blessed to know her-in all her beauty, individuality and weakness. Her poem is powerful...
Farewell to Fundamentalism
by Kate
You’ve lied to me since the moment we met.
I was so young I can’t remember not having you in my life.
You taught me Who God was, what people are, what we do, and why.
Well, not the last part.
I guess you meant well at the beginning.
Who would have thought that the desire for truth would result in all these lies?
The pendulum tries to bring things back to balance,
But you kept going, propelled by your own momentum, and not that of Another.
You taught me intolerance and fear.
You taught me to be quick to judge and slow to love.
You taught me that to be angry is to be normal.
You taught me to hide.
You degraded my spirit. You tRaMpLeD my feelings.
You laughed at my tears. You turned away from my despair.
You told me that God is all-loving, yet you did not love.
You beat my soul into submission and stood careful watch over me, lest I raise my trembling body and see you for what you really are:
A Fake.
You who claim to be perfect, yes, you are a sinner.
You who claim to love, yes, you separate to the third generation.
You who claim to know God, yes, you preach guilt and despair.
You who claim to help people, yes, you drive us to the dust with your burdensome lies.
I wish to hate you.
I want to hurl curses at you.
I want to, and I have before.
But not anymore.
I have left you, now. I am where God wants me, and I am happy.
Here, God has lifted my soul out of fear and despair.
He has held me by my right hand and told me He loves me.
He has looked into my downcast, tear-drenched eyes, lifted my chin with His gentle hand, and whispered, “I love you.”
How can I express the tenderness and gentleness with which He is healing me from your abuses?
God knows my hurts, and He hurts with me. He knows my rage, and He listens to me until I run out of wrath and am left whimpering.
Then He lifts me with His strong compassionate arms and says, “I forgive you.”
No matter how many times I fall, He picks me up.
God never leaves me, and will never forsake me.
How different the way He treats me from the way you treat me!
That is why I have left you.
You kick me and say that is what God does.
You break my bones, spit on me, and say God has judged me.
You know neither mercy nor truth, but you say you do.
I used to hate you. I still do, sometimes.
But God forgives these relapses into bitterness.
You--you forgive nothing.
And so I am leaving you.
One more summer I will spend around you.
Hopefully it will be our last for some time.
There are some things I need to learn about you.
And there are those crying out to be freed from your lies.
I will hear them. I will answer them.
What do I need to learn about you?
That you are not pure evil, only twisted goodness.
Is this not the work of Satan?
But you are blind to your faults. So am I. So are we all, without God’s grace.
Oh--what’s that word? G-R-A-C-E. I hope you learn what it means.
God’s just waiting to teach you it. He wants to fill you with the knowledge of this truth, this life-giving truth.
Why doesn’t He? I don’t know. Perhaps because to experience it, you must let go of control.
Now He gives us it every day, whether we experience it or not.
But how much He wants to full us with it!
How often He would have filled your cup overflowing with grace, and you would not!
To the struggling ones:
He knows you’re trying. He knows you’re doing your best.
He doesn’t hate you when you fall! He LOVES you.
Please, please open your heart and ask Him to show you His love and grace.
I can almost guarantee you don’t really believe His unconditional love for you.
You haven’t been allowed to believe it!
But it’s there.
And when you are ready, He’ll start you on your journey to learn His love--if you’ll let Him.
So, Fundamentalism, I know you’re not evil.
You do evil things.
You are a perversion of the truth.
You do not know what grace is.
But you’re trying. All I can do is ask God to have mercy on you.
I will be studying you this summer, my foe.
I will see your inconsistencies and lies.
And I will tell those under me to think and to compare what they hear with God’s Word--His whole Word, not just a single verse.
I know I will fall. I will royally screw up.
And God will pick me back up and say, “Come on. Start again, My beloved child.”
I will no longer listen to you, but I will study you.
And then, if it is God’s will, as I feel and do hope it is,
I will say farewell.
Forever.
“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done;
It is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.”
Beloved ones- what lines struck you in this poem?
Does your heart believe that your Papa God adores you?
If you are healing- how is your journey going?
You are so loved!
****Late note from Julie***
I want to add this because I can see how one might construe my recent posts as an attack against people. It is not. My journey has been to free myself from a corrupt system. The people are not the issue, we are all sinners in need of grace. I am freeing myself from something Jesus was adamant against-the religious system bent on adding bondage and chains through man-made rules and condemnation. Jesus wasn't a system or a religion...He was a person. He is what sets us free. I hope I have not offended anyone...I love you all so much and humbly ask for your graciousness as I walk this journey. I offer the same grace to you beloved one.
Love, Julie
aka I am His beloved.
****Late note from Julie***
I want to add this because I can see how one might construe my recent posts as an attack against people. It is not. My journey has been to free myself from a corrupt system. The people are not the issue, we are all sinners in need of grace. I am freeing myself from something Jesus was adamant against-the religious system bent on adding bondage and chains through man-made rules and condemnation. Jesus wasn't a system or a religion...He was a person. He is what sets us free. I hope I have not offended anyone...I love you all so much and humbly ask for your graciousness as I walk this journey. I offer the same grace to you beloved one.
Love, Julie
aka I am His beloved.
29 comments:
WOW!
These words could've been mine. Always encouraging to know that there are others like me.
J
So many lines struck me in this poem. It is raw and true for so many. How this person has come to terms with the lies they knew, and the people they love. How they feel anger and betrayal. How they know they were decieved, and how freedom through grace leads to forgiveness and understanding. We are all on a journey, it's so good to share in it together. Wonderful words, beautiful post!
Loved the poem. Loved the thoughts. Loved even more that Kate has found her way out. Love, hugs and freedom to both of you.
Thank you:)
Awesome post, awesome blog... God Bless You!!!
This really hit home for me
"You taught me intolerance and fear.
You taught me to be quick to judge and slow to love.
You taught me that to be angry is to be normal.
You taught me to hide"
Of course they didn't call it that. They weren't saying that it was intolerance and fear, but it really is and continues to be so. The whole movement is based upon fear, it is a reaction inspired by fear.
Thank you for sharing!
Because she chose to keep a commitment made the summer before, Kate returned to the IFB this past summer to work at a fundy camp. This is the "one more summer I will spend around you" that she references in her poem. She had been out of fundy world for around 6 months and when she returned to it in May, I felt like she had slipped back behind the Iron Curtain. As she faced an especially difficult weekend far away from the people who loved her, I discovered JTB via SFL. I read and read and cried and cried....then as fast as I could I printed out page after page after page of Julie's posts, and packaged them up in a plain unmarked package with instructions to be alone when she read what was inside. I even marked the outside of the mailing envelope with our special code: NFF. "Not Fundy Friendly". If that doesn't say it all! The truth of Jesus' grace and mercy and unconditional love is what was contained in that package....and I was nervous that someone would find her with it!!! Ha! We'll not return to that kind of bondage ever again. Either one of us. But there is still so much healing to do from very deep wounds. I fear the summer only set back the process.
I'm so thankful for your posts, Julie, and for the comments of your readers. They help with the "pressing-on" of whatever this journey is.
*tear* This makes my heart hurt for what Kate has experienced...I know. But I am so glad for her that she is recovering and growing in His grace. I am not very good with words, but I do know how beautiful it is when you begin to learn for the first time who God is, who you are in Christ. I do know what it is like to experience His hand leading you, when you can go to Him and pour out your everything and know that He is listening, that He cares...that He wants a relationship with you..to know that He won't laugh at you or make fun of you, He won't call you names, He won't send you far away because of mistakes you have made but He does forgive, He does pick you up, dust you off and show you the path He has set for you. How comforting to know He won't kick you down for your thoughts, He won't hold over your head the mistakes
oh my gosh. I love that Kate put her vulnerable journey into words and publicized them. How brave. David and Paul certainly did:)! The cool thing for Kate is that she has so many of us to go through this with her. She is not alone. I believe that is the biggest lie when you're coming out of it...the devil wants us to believe we're alone. Ahhh. but we are not. Christ is in us! And we have the fellowship of this suffering together. Prayers for Kate to be protected and continue to embrace the full armor of God.
Wow! Reading Kate's poem was like reading the story of my own experience with fundamentalism. I am currently on a journey to freedom but am finding there is so much to "unlearn". Thanks, Kate, for putting into words what so many of us would never be able to share.
That's amazing...I didn't realize such love and abundant life even existed until I backed my Baptist hiney out of fundamentalism and realized it was EXACTLY what Jesus had preached against and tried to free peopke from. To think the fundie...s represent my loving, gracious, merciful, FORGIVING Father was the most twisted, enslaving, depressing lie ever invented.
Thankfully...somehow I managed to escape without an ounce of resentment. I merely experience sublime abundance of peace and joy that thrill me to my toes! Bless you, my beautiful sister, and much love for precious Kate.
YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!!! Knowing that there is grace and mercy for all who seek Him is the greatest FREEDOM of all :)
Kate,
I love that your mom commented on hear about you! Julie....You are wonderful....Bless you!
Beautiful
I wept reading through this. While in Bible College I "taught" in the Christian H.S. Then I went on to teach in an IFB Bible College. The pain & hurt that build up inside of me during those years resulted in being rushed to the hospital with a complete physical breakdown in 1994. Discovered the true cause: Bitterness. Not the way people treated me but, rather the way I say believers treat other believers. It made me sick then & makes me sick now when I think of all the precious people who have been hurt. Thank God He uses broken things! I love the story of Gideon's army. When his army of 300 broke their vessels the light inside shined & the victory was theirs. The lad w/loaves & fishes. The Lord TOOK it, He BLESSED it, but before He USED it, He BROKE it.
Thank God for His healing grace. Blessings to all of you from a IFB survivor/ totally HIM-dependent Baptist preacher.
Somehow the above appeared as Anon.
[ Maybe I checked the wrong box ]
Gene Papke, Greenville, SC
facebook: Gene Papke
email: genepapke@privacyharbor.com
~~~ Hebrews 13:18
I cannot believe how much my voice did not matter before and now, not only does it matter but it has a lot of beautiful, inspired, God-endorsed, life-giving words to say. He set me free---now for living out my true destiny.-RM
RM- Oh I hear your voice and I am so VERY glad you've discovered that your voice is precious...it is!! You just my day, I am jumping for joy! Thank you for sharing. You are loved.
_Julie
This is something that I have been struggling with in my first semester of college. I wanted to be in this christian sorority, but instead of it lifting me up and encouraging me, I felt that it was bringing me down. I felt so isolated the community of christians. Something wasn't right. Thank you for your blog and your post. Your words and thoughts and views seem to mirror mine in many ways and it is a relief to know that there are some out there who feel the same way I do about fundamentalism.
@LiviLou-
Anything that brings condemnation or confusion is not of God. Listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, it will not direct you wrong.
Thank you for your words and for reaching out my sweet friend.
Welcome.
@Gene
For some reason my comment to you did not post. In case you may read this again I want you to know how grateful I am that you posted your comment. Nothing encourages me more than to hear about what Jesus and His grace has done in the life of His children. Your story of what God brought you out of and how you share His grace now is absolutely beautiful.
Thank you, thank you , thank you.
Powerful Gene.
Jesus loves to us broken vessels..you are loved.
Wow. This seems to ring true for so many of us that have experienced, participated in, and drank from the dry well that is fundamentalism (particularly hyper-fundamentalism). Unfortunately, this lack of grace will probably flourish in those circles as long as expository preaching and teaching are absent. There is much that I would like to add but I don't know where to start. Keep up the good work!
That was a great read. I was big into fundamentalism for many years. I had my own personal dealings with the abuses of the church. I had to put up with them as a Bible major at Bob Jones University.
Fundamentalism taught me to shut up as talking about problems is not a good thing. The church is only for the spiritually successful. I felt that they advocated Personality Problems in their members. We all pretended to be something we were not. To never question the pastor as he is soooo smart and the rest are idiots.
I also learned that how to try hard to make God supposedly bless me, and learned also how to sin and find ways of justifying it. I also learned to be secretive about my sin problems. This way I was free to question anyone's salvation that did not strive as hard as me, or that did not seek to hide their sins in public. I could have the same sin as you, but if nobody knew allowed me to judge and condemn you.
I can go all day on this fundamental nonsense. How I was told God would give me a disease for my lack of church faithfulness. How God might kill a family member to get my attention. How talking after light bell at BJU (an old school rule that prohibited talking after life bell that we all did anyways) from my room prayer captain as to him that probably was why I had no peace and assurance at that time. How I needed to pray more, read more bible, join a ministry, and so on.
What a nightmare it all was. I am now at peace with the God of all grace.
I do like your blog.
This was simply wonderful. PLEASE keep writing. I feel exactly like you do. A few months ago I ran into an old friend from the church we used to attend. She was sitting on a bench in a ankle length skirt looking miserable. I had hoped she was maybe just tired, worn out. But her eyes and face told it all. The skirt was not the issue, it is years of being told you will never measure up, you are out of God's will, why can't you do better. I gave her a hug as I left, and wept for two reasons. With a deep gratitude for GOD rescuing me from the bondage, and for her poor downcast heart.... that she would truly see herself the way GOD see her. KEEP writing!!!
That poem brought tears to my eyes. I left the IFB church that I had called "home" for eleven years, six months ago. That so much time has passed in what feels like only days is only of God. The tears still spill, and I still can't sleep as much as I should be. The memories of being at that place for half of my life come rushing back to me without invitation, and I reach out to my Potter to put the shattered pieces back together once again. The hawk's eyes keep on watching over me because I can't live anywhere else, nor could I abandon my family.
Yes, the IFB has messed me up mentally, from the inside out.
There is the Great Escape that I long for...my Home in Heaven, kneeling before my Lord, my God, my Maker. The place where the Son will never go away, even for an instant...how I long to be safe in His arms and away from the invasion of the IFB.
That day is coming. Are you as ready as I am?
I hear you Reiko- you are loved. There is hope and healing. You have grace dear one.
Well said. That was impressive prose, very targeted, very delicate, but so very impassioned without seeming to try.
I appreciate the final note that you added to this post about being against the system and not against the people. There are aspects of fundamentalism that are completely wrong and need to be done away with, but there are people in fundamentalism who love Jesus and are only wanting to serve Him. It is often very easy to turn the anger against the system into anger against the individuals. There is a website (no need to name it) that does that...turns the anger against the individuals and makes them out to be awful people. Instead, we should be praying for them and working to fix what may be wrong. Thank you again for your post. It was obvious that it touched many people.
Jonathan,
I understand what you are saying with your comment. However, it is people that do the abusing and the hurting, in the name of fundamentalism, and thus the emotion, the hurt, the anger is directed toward people. Specific people who have been hurtful, not all fundamentalists.
Grace to you, and I hope you will be one of those who will be fixing what is wrong and showing the bruised and hurting what Christ's love really is.
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