As I was sitting with her, I kept waffling over the choice to publicly talk about a part of my journey I am now in.
"Jenn, I have shared my affair, my rape, my deepest fears and my greatest insecurities on my blog but I don't think I can share the fact that I haven't consistently been in church for almost a year. For years I've heard the mantra from the pulpit;
- " Three to thrive- you must be in church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night."
- "Do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together."
- " Those who leave church will lose God's Hand of blessing on their lives and end up on a very slippery slope of disaster."
Admitting that I've struggled to be part of church is akin to waving a freak flag and telling everyone my spiritual condition is hell bound.
Though God has brought me full healing from the physical and emotional scars of painful circumstances and choices in my life, the wounds brought on by spiritually abusive teachings and situations is where the pain and hemorrhaging is still at a critical place. Sorting out the Truth from the lies I've been taught is a monstrous undertaking.
The truth is -I don't do plastic Christianity well, I can't share my journey and leave out such a major piece of it and expect to continue to blog with integrity.
And so, here I am leaping with you, the reader, into -The Dark Night of the Soul.
The part of my the journey where I've been carefully stripping away the traditions of man one by one.
The hard questions I have been asking myself and others, the questions that most American churches never allow or even talk about. (God can handle our hard questions. He wants us to seek Him.)
A crisis of faith, a cynicism of those who carry spiritual titles.
A disillusionment of organized religion.
A look at my own heart and a desire to remove selfish motivations tied to my walk with Christ- Why do I believe what I believe? Why do I do what I do in the name of Christ?
Let's not even talk about the fear of exposing my questioning, wandering journey.
Might I add that this part of the journey is not a "woe is me for I am undone", not a weepy, placid or passive giving up, but an aggressive, active search for Truth.
I want to walk in and own my identity in Christ but I don't know how to incorporate it it into my past religious wounds and my present view of the American church.
I feel like I am running to Jesus and in the process losing my religion.
How could that be?
Do not the two go together?
"Experts" say it is common for folks to drop out of church for three to five years after leaving an abusive religious institution.
How long for me I wonder?
Part of the issue I have with my lack of church membership is that we are in a remote farming community with few choices of worship- a larger issue is my current struggle with organized religion. I just cannot figure out how to incorporate Jesus into such a box.
Oh how I crave to be part of an authentic, grace-filled community.
How desperate my heart is to be part of the body of Christ in action.
The thought of sitting in a pew either being taught a moral code, manipulated by guilt into service for Christ, being entertained once a week without affecting change inside and outside the walls of the church or just putting in time to placate the god of " We have always done it this way." makes me ill.
If I am going to to be part of Christ's body I will no longer settle for a masquerade ball every Sunday. My heart yearns for more. I want Jesus in the midst of worship, for love to be unconditional and grace to be radical. But at this crossroads I find the path is barren, with promises of hope burning brightly in my heart. I know that there are solid gospel driven churches out there. I am not hopeless.
I wonder if I am the only one who has found myself here?
I believe the day will come when this stripping away of all that is not Jesus will bring me to a place where I am left stronger, with motives not tainted by fear or shame or a desire for reward or justice but a strength of heart. A strength of faith, put into a fire of testing, purified.
Desires to do right, to serve Him, to love others simply because of the abundance of overflowing, unconditional love of Jesus. A love that is offered to me, even when my walk does not look like the Christian American dream.
How about you?
May I add that you have permission to speak freely here without fear of condemnation. You may speak the real questions and share your journey. I always pray that your heart feels safe, welcome and loved.
Journey to Beloved posts may not be reposted, reprinted or distributed in its entirety without express written permission of the author. Links to the article can be freely shared and are very appreciated!
37 comments:
Is it bad that I got to the words "slippery slope" and could hardly get any further for laughing so much? haha! Sorry. It just sounds funny and is fun to say"ssslippery ssssslope" haha. Okay, but seriously - I totally understand and agree with you. Marco and I want so much for our church to be authentic and something where Christ is in control. Not ourselves. We have a couple families in our church that have come out of the same situation and are happily healing with us. I do love my church family, but is it perfect? No. Is there drama sometimes? Yes. But not the kind we were used to before thank God. Big Hugs Julie. He will lead you and you will know.
"I feel like I am running to Jesus and in the process losing my religion." That sums it up right there! I don't know when we decided that our religion is indicative of our walk with God. I don't think there is ANYTHING further from the truth. Everything about religion turns my stomach, and I'm 100%, turns God's as well. You have NO idea how tempted I am week after week to swear off church completely. I'm just so over the charade.
Julie, I have been where you are, and it is unsettling. I battled with all of those tapes running though my head and then I felt guilty for not going to church. I was miserable! But as time went on the Lord did bring me to an amazing church where I received exactly the healing my heart needed, but that only lasted a season. And now He has led me to a different church where I am learning and really processing the scriptures and it is so exciting. Remember how we were told that LONGEVITY was key? I have struggled with that one too! But what I am learning is that it is good to have seasons in my life, because as I grow and mature in the Lord I need a different menu. And now He knew I was ready to really digest some steak. I expect many more seasons in my life and some may include not going to church, but I pray that I will be able to recognize what the season is for and learn and absorb all that the Lord has for me. Julie, you are a trooper and the Lord WILL give you all you need, and if your heart is yearning for church, as we now know it, He WILL provide! God bless!
Julie--I have never been through what you have been through, so I cannot see things through your eyes. I have, however, been hurt by people who worship side by side with me. And I admit, it is so hard to set foot back into the church after that because it feels "wrong." I don't want you to think that I am offering lofty advice from "someone who doesn't know" but rather, I have been thinking this through and I have some thoughts...whether they be right or wrong, it is on my heart to share them!
Okay, so I have heard a LOT of criticism of my church lately from fellow believers. The music is weak, I don't like the way they do______ (fill in the blank) But I wonder if we (I) am missing something here. Am I missing the intent that God has for me in worship? Why am I focusing on the way things are done and not solely on my worship of God? Why am I standing here thinking about what so and so said when I am here to worship? I have come to one conclusion.....it's not them. It's me. It is my own attitude. The church is full of imperfect people trying their best to worship a perfect God! Why should I focus on the routine? Or people for that matter? As hard as it is, I want to focus my heart on Christ. As I sing the songs I don't think I like, I listen to the words and let them penetrate my heart. And there it is. Just me and God. My focus shifts from the imperfect "plastic" people to my own failings. And how He loves me anyway and refuses to leave me where I am. And tears come, my hands go up in praise. I am there amongst imperfect people to worship a perfect God.
I think God commands that we not forsake the assembling of ourselves together for many reasons. So we can uplift, encourage, and grow. I know that He has a place where you can be a blessing to the Body of Christ. It is so hard to find that place.
There are plenty of reasons to drop out of church. And many of them are good reasons. You've been hurt, abused, and used.
And there are plenty of reasons to drop into church -- fellowship, friendship, nurturing.
If there isn't a good church around you, what are you waiting for? You have a living room, a solid knowledge of the bible, and a CD player.
"The Church of the beloved" -- Invite your friends
so glad you shared this Julie ... running to Jesus and losing my religion ... what could be better? I think He's a big fan of that. I share your discomfort and how unsettling that can feel ... really, really uncomfortable, or maybe better said, unfamiliar? I'm with ya.
I have not experienced the level of woundedness you speak of. Since I became saved, nearly 25 years ago, I have been fortunate to be in a fellowship of believes who truly love and honor one another, despite our differences. I've been hurt, yes, but there has always been loving arms of forgiveness here. I am fortunate. I pray that you will find peace and that you will be able to once again enjoy the assembling together with other believes. People hurt people. I am sure I've hurt people, but my heart is one of love. I pray that you find that.
I think there are many many more people like yourself (myself included) who are on or have been on that path. I never dropped out of church altogether, but I was tempted. I still get so sick to my stomach when I think about some of the practices of some of the churches I have been to. I think I may have seen more of the opposite side of your experience though. We know that to just about every "road" there is a ditch on either side. the ditch sadly and terribly that you were in was the one of spiritual abuses, false doctrine teachers who are filled with pride and no fear of God for what they do to the innocent. I however landed somehow (as a brand new Christian in my my early early 20's) in the other ditch. The one of a watered down pointless gospel. Where the music is sent to entertain US, the prayers are to tickle OUR ears, and the monies used for OUR good pleasure. The Holy Spirit? non existent. Repentance and salvation? no real need for it. It's like going every Sunday knowing it's all about US and never about worshiping HIM. It was a sales ploy, a business to be ran, a country club to me maintained. Suffering of the saints was turned away. The needs of the congregation, over looked. The deep sin taking place everywhere, swept under the rug. I never want to be in either ditch. But the road is narrow. Hard to find. But IT IS THERE! I found it. It is not perfect. But it's as close to it as I have ever found. The church the Lord finally led my family to, after YEARS of prayer from sitting in pews and being ignored. These people love the true doctrine of God, they lean on the TRUTH and celebrate the live and OFFER the sweet aroma of GRACE. Mercy triumphs where God has placed me. No watered down Gospel but SOFT hearts of those who are there. Like I said, not perfect. But I am learning to trust these people. I will pray for you that HOWEVER you do church, whether in your living room, in a church building or even online, that your be supported, that you be sanctified and equipped, and that you be shown love from the hands and feet of Jesus, the Church.
First of all- good for you to say where you are on your journey, that shows how authentic you are! And may I say this- where two or three are gather in HIS name...he is there and don't forget that the Body is much more than an organized day or program!!! You have not "forsaken" the gathering of saints, no, far from it. You have welcomed saints into real authentic relationships of sharing. You obviously meet with other Christians.....and then there IS this verse to consider: James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:26-27 (in Context) James 1 (Whole Chapter) I LOVE this verse. Basically, do we put our love for Christ in action? And then because we love Him do we keep ourselves pure daily before God...coming to him daily to stay unstained before the world? IF you are saying yes to these then you have a true religion which is actually a response-filled relationship with the one who loves you so much- Christ! Please know that your journey is beautiful to the Savior, he is watching you emerge into the woman he designed and he will guide your steps to the Body of Believers when he is ready for you to be immersed with that Body but for now it seems he is having you reach out to the greater body out there that needs a safe place. What an honored tool you are that God is using!
While I have not ever experienced what you did, I have myself struggled with the idea and the reality of church. I did not grow up in the church. I am still (after over 10 years of being saved) not sure what I am supposed to do with church. My faith has grown and I know Jesus more than I did 10 years ago but I am not sure any of that growth can be attributed to the church. Instead I think it may be a result of my seeking, working through many Bible studies and many attempts at spending more and more time with the Lord. After attending the same church for almost 6 years and seeing enough 'red flags' that I was certain I could not bring myself to go there any longer, my family has started to attend a new church. We decided to try this church after the Lord brought the name of this church to our attention in various and multiple ways. It was difficult to ignore. Will it be all the things I hope church could be? I do not know. But I will continually check in with God to see if we are where He wants us to be. Thanks again for this post and sharing your heart. It was helpful for me to chew on this topic once again. Blessings, Hope
I want to truly thank EVERY voice here that has commented. There are many who may not relate, but there are many who do understand the incredible battle and what it is to discover grace and truth- To truly grasp it- To not feel shame or condemnation for the process of detoxing from spiritual hurts.
This post did not give advice or some perfect 12 step plan for freedom, it didn't have a plastic smile- its me- raw- and it is easily my most vulnerable post to date. Why? Because again- the message I heard over and over was that questioning was not good, "get over it" and "fake it till you make it" was healing words and those who fall out of church are listening to Satan.
Because there are many who read this- quietly, anonymously and are barely making it- I wanted to voice the journey so you know you are NOT alone! So you know that your struggle does not= God not loving you or accepting you. It is not a sin to admit you have struggles, questions, doubts. God is big enough to handle our questions! You are loved- there is healing and hope, you are not alone. I just desperately want whoever it is reading these words and barely breathing to hear that.
I hear you, Julie. You make perfect sense. I haven't been through the depth of pain as you in "the church" but I have been through some things. You cannot be submerged in "church" background like we have been and come out unscathed. My thinking is this: we as believers are what make up the Church. Members of the body of Christ. And "church" is not confined to a building with walls. It is not a format. And I am still thinking out loud ... church is ministering, healing, being ministered to, edifying, praising Jesus as members of Christ. Being transparent. Loving people. In my opinion, when some or all of this is happening no matter where or under what circumstance, it is church. And this is definitely NOT what I have been taught to believe. Thank you, Julie, for this post. So nice to know that so many of us are on the same journey.
This blog hit home with me. I left the IFB back in early 2000 and have yet to find a church that makes me comfortable. I used to think something was wrong with me as thousands seemed comfortable going week after week hearing the same old hoopla.
I think church left me with such a bad taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to get it out of my system. I prefer meeting with believers and simply sharing the grace of God individually rather than sit there listening to some guy twisting verses to manipulate people half the time. I am sick and tired of the following:
1. Nodding off due to sermons that have little thought/content in them. I swear that if I was an insomniac that I would have brought my pillow to certain churches knowing that dreamland was only 10 minutes away.
2. Hearing nothing but contradictions. Hearing that I am not saved by my good works, but out of the other side of their mouths hear that I am certainly not saved without my good works.
3. Sick and tired of feeling judged for anything I do. If I tell someone that I think a glass of wine or beer is acceptable is to hear that I am only saying that as an excuse to go out and drink it up myself. I have to tell these goofs that I haven't had more than 5 beers total since 1998. On rare occasion I might have a desire for a gulp or two as I usually never finish the bottle. I haven't had a sip of beer in over 3 years. They tell me that beer is the appearance of evil. Yeah, just like the fundamentalists many years ago said that an organ was of the devil.
4. Sick and tired of feeling the church is watching my every move outside the church. I used to walk around paranoid if I had a music T-shirt on that was not church approved music.
5. Sick and tired of being hounded by pastors and people for not being in church the prior week. One time a pastor told me that God would give me a disease as a form of chastening to put an end to my wandering.
6. Sick and tired of believing that God enjoys giving disease and illnesses to His children as a way to make them faithful.
7. Sick and tired of all of the condescending attitudes.
End of part one.
8. Sick and tired of hearing that I am not pleasing to God. How I need to try harder. How I need to devote more time to church. How any problem is probably related to some unconfessed sin in my life. How that God took away all of my sins, but one sin will cause God to hide His face from me. How God will play a movie when I die to show me how I really blew it in many areas as I missed so many opportunities. How the one guy I did not give the gospel to is forever in hell. How God will not bless me unless I do their following whatevers.
9. I'm sick and tired of all the hell fire gospel sermons. I fail to see one hell fire gospel message anywhere. I fail to see a turn or burn gospel. Too much is being read into the scripture by these people.
10. I'm sick and tired of tradition being placed higher than the bible. How most churches seem to think a long church history proves truth. I think it is time to challenge the traditions we have been taught, and that is exactly what I have done.
11. I'm sick and tired of Christianity that is much like text messaging along with all the debating associated with it. We have invented so many phrases to briefly define what it is we believe without quoting scripture. "Hi, I am a Acts 2,9,13,28 dispensationalist. I believe in plenary inspiration/mechanical inspiration. I believe in covenant theology. I'm a Calvinist/Arminian/Pelagian/Semi-pelagian/Amyraldism. I believe in the trinity/Jesus was only a man. I believe in the pre,mid,post-trib rapture. I believe in ammillenialism. I believe in eternal security, conditionalism, perseverance of the saints. I am a baptIST, CatholIC, presbyterIAN, pentecostalIST, KJV onlyist, etc. I believe in supralapsarianism/infralapsarianism. I believe in the doctrine of two natures/one naturism. I believe in free grace/lordship salvation. I believe in the total depravity of man/free will. I believe in forensic justification, and I believe in judicial justification. I believe baptism is by immersion/sprinkling. I hold to transubstantiation/consubstantiation. I believe grace is imputed, but I believe it is infused. I believe in a literal hell fire. I believe in annihilationism. I believe in universalism."
No matter what jargon you associate yourself with is to hear others rip you apart. People cannot agree to disagree. It is as though you must be tight lipped at church or someone will come along and try debating you because you do not agree with his/her views. If you hold your ground is to be eventually insulted.
I too have grown tired of churches. I do attend a grace church, but having that bad taste in my mouth still causes me some issues.
Sorry for the long blabbing here. It's nice to hear that others have similar issues with churches who also believe in radical grace. Most people that struggle with churches like us either become atheists or people that just do not care anymore and turn to the world to never think about God again. I'm finding more and more radical grace believers that do not care for the current church system, but love to fellowship with other believers.
End of part 2 of 2.
GPG: you made me chuckle. I was glad I had nothing in my mouth, especially during #11. Funny (not haha) I am a pastor whom Julie knows. I tired of legalism myself and now live in grace and try to preach grace. i sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a stripped down Christianity that wasn't interested in all the extras.
Julie: you know what background I come from. If you had told me that you didn't "go to church" I would have been astounded that someone could claim to be a Christian and not go. I preached that stupid idea of "being there when the church doors were open" and it got me nowhere, except laying a bunch of guilt trips on people. I, of course, knew about this but have chosen to allow you to "find your own heart's call toward God." He will lead you where HE is. I agree with David. You have a house, a bible, a CD, a computer...worship and invite others to share in your warmth. I DON'T THINK YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED TO HELL FOR NOT GOING THOUGH. Grace trumps law. :)
The ONLY reason I didn't have a hiatus of several year is because we started going to an entirely different church. And, it is grace-filled if a bit odd to this baptist-raised girl.
And even at that, there are Sundays when I look at my husband and say, "Nope, not going today."
They are fewer, and he has given grace as well so that we now go to the 7:30 service which is shorter, and quieter.
There is no rush, Julie. In God's time you will find a place - or you won't. Being in church doesn't make one a Christian, and being not in church does not make one anti-Christian.
You, dear one, have been through a religious holocaust. You will survive, but you will never be who you were before - and that's probably good since it means you aren't likely to get into a mess like that again.
Jesus loves you. That's enough to focus on for now.
Julie-I nodded my head along with everything you wrote in this post. I am in this EXACT place. In the past year, my eyes have been opened to so many of the things that are wrong with organized religion.
I grew up in the church, but never opened the Bible for myself. I believed what I was taught and I thought God was a mean old man in the sky waiting to zap you the minute you messed up. But then around 8 or 9 months ago I started attending a small Bible study held in my grandmother's home. It was through this that I started reading and studying for myself. And I am amazed. So much of what I was taught and believed did not line up with scripture - so many of the things I thought about God were lies.
And now, since my eyes have been opened, I quit going to church. Mainly because the church I was attending is pretty much dead and filled with people who haven't read and studied for themselves (which is exactly who I used to be). And while I felt some guilt at first, that eventually subsided, and I have never felt so free. Before, church felt like and obligation and I felt guilty if I didn't go. Now, I can't wait to go to Bible study and don't want to miss it because I learn so much. So our small Bible study in my grandmother's home is my "church" now.
I know I'm rambling, but feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to discuss this further. I feel so relieved to know I'm not the only person in this place.
Heather, I am not sure I know you or have your email address. Feel free to email me, I'd love to hear from you!
PGB- I am with Bill in that your number 11. made me cackle- I didn't even know there was a supercalafragalisticism to believe in or fight over. You are just fantastic and pretty much voiced every single extreme IFB negative tape still swirling around in my conscious.
Everyone else- this post had a million ways it could have been misunderstood, criticized, dissected and condemned and yet you have all gone out of your way to extend love and grace. My panic attack was for naught. I love you all so very much and thank God for this awesome group of friends. You are loved!
No, you are not the only one that has found yourself there. I am there right now.
You are doing the work of the church, God's work right here and now. You are creating a body of believers in their own little community right here.
I have more thoughts, but I am struggling to put them into words. I do get what you are saying, though, and concur 100%.
I am struggling with that fear of exposing my questioning, and in some instances, my conclusions to fellow believers. When you don't fit in with whatever definition of a "good Christian" is in your local body, it can be intimidating. It has nothing to do with Christ's acceptance of me, though. It has everything to do with man's acceptance. Perhaps that is an area the God is still working on in me.
I had to separate church and religion. They have to be in separate boxes for me. Religion is the box that is locked never to be opened. I have given these two words separate meanings. Religion is me trying to show God how great I am while a relationship with God is about seeing how great God is. I am not religious, I have relationship.
Sitting in church I am very guarded. I sit towards the back and leave as soon as the service is done. I do not want to engage in plastic friendships or put on a show of how I rate amongst my peers.
I bask in the holiness of God and just meet Jesus in room with 500 other people. It is just me and God. I still struggle with going every week. My knee jerk reaction is still I do not have to energy for the masquerade of church and religion. Then I remember I am free.
Big hugs to you Julie. God sees your relationship and resides in the walls of your tender heart. He knows how you feel and hears your desires. I believe with all my heart God has a plan for you my dear friend.
Such a helpful post, Julie. Thank you, yet again, for sharing. It often feels like a desert or a black hole out here.
Someone like Bill would be a safe pastor...done the legalism thing and bailed on it for grace.
GPG, thank you for putting words to the chaos in my head. You nailed it.
Rehoboth, "a religious holocaust", yes. What a perfect way to say it.
I think I owe you all for the therapy you've provided!!
My dear sweet friend. Do not forget John on the Isle of Patmos. Alone, forgotten, in exile. In Rev 1:10 he says "I was in the Spirit in the Lord's day." He had no church building, no one else with whom he could worship, no one would even know if he took time to worship or not. And yet God used him greatly to write the book of Revelation - in this instance, no church building or congregation necessary for God to reveal himself mightily.
The brick and mortar boxes that we are accustomed to calling "church" in my opinion resemble very little the church of the new testament. Yes, the Bible still says (as someone mentioned earlier) that we should not forsake the assembling of ourselves.... But it also says "where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them." You, your husband, your children are all part of the beautiful Body of Believers, and your testimony speaks to the fact that Christ is truly in the midst of your home.
I think we could all use a massive dose of losing our religion and replacing it with running to Jesus. Maybe something as basic, yet so radical as this is needed to bring the church back to its first love.
Ah, I feel as though you have a x-ray reader of my heart on this issue. I can't help but think our Father is "handling" these questions just fine--in fact, I imagine that He is excited for someone to rock the boat and ask them. He must be just sick about what the church has done in the name of "following Jesus". I will say, however, that I found a fantastic church family after much trial and error, so don't give up. They are my true family--loving and gracious. Of course we/they are human, so we botch it quite a bit. But, don't give up. And maybe...just maybe...you are being called to start an authentic community. ;-) Love you!
I love you, Jules. Oh how I can relate to questioning all the religiosity of our church-going ways, not always kosher for the pastor's wife! ;) This is part of your journey, and surely the road will bend again. Love and prayers, my sweet friend!
Bob, I can tell you are an authentic grace believer. Never lose that as there are so few of you preaching today as we need more.
We have men today that claim to believe in grace when they dish out nothing but disgrace. Telling people that salvation is free yet costly. Telling people that if you are saved you will not be sinless but you will sin--less. All the emphasis is being placed upon man and what he or she does rather than what Christ has done.
I remember one guy that told me, "Why should I go to church? All they do is tell me what is wrong with me. I don't need to go somewhere to hear that as I am married and hear it all the time at home."
I had a debate with one IFB pastor that didn't see their excessive rules as a problem. He asked me, "If you were to go to a restaurant that had a sign in the window that said 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No service' then would you consider that restaurant to be a legalist?" I said to him, "No I wouldn't as they are just rules of the restaurant (nobody would judge me either for wearing holey jeans as possibly unsaved). However, what if that same restaurant said, 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service THUS SAITH THE LORD OF HOSTS' then would you not consider them to be a legalist?"
I majored in Bible at Bob Jones University. Everything there was "thus saith the Lord of Hosts." Hair length, music, dress, mixed swimming, card playing, and so on as they all had some bible verse attached to it. When I attended even inter-racial dating was consider wrong. You couldn't even hold hands with the opposite sex. Even in my IFB church, the opposite sex was not allowed to pull lint off another man's suit coat.
Females there at BJU had it the worst there. They had to have their dresses approved by the Dean of Women before Artist Series (musical performance or play). They had to wear a skirt 2 inches below their knees. Females could watch male sports (soccer, baseball, etc), but men could not watch female sports because they might be tempted by the bouncing you know what. It was ridiculous. Things that normally did not cause me any problems only became a problem to me when it was made a law that I had to abide by.
I eventually started challenging everything I was being taught. Back then I was a staunch 5 point Calvinist and a Lordship salvation believer. I was so obnoxious. I used to question everyone's salvation. If you listened to light rock or Christian rock was for me to question your salvation. I once believed that if there was any reserve in your obedience then you were not saved. I once believed that if you cherish even the slightest sin that you were undone. The funny thing was how when I sinned that I would make excuses for it, but if my neighbor sinned was for me to show disdain.
I'm so grateful that God led me right out of that nightmare I was in. The abuse I dealt with is an entirely different message.
In the years since I re-committed to Christ my attendance in a congregation of believers has been sporadic at best.
There have been extenuating circumstances (lack of transportation being one) at times. However, I have found myself with many of the same questions you pose in this blog. I have found my church home (finally) but there are still times I ask those same questions.
The thing is we are still members of "the church" because of who our Savior is.
I know when the time is right God will direct you to a body of believers. Until then...be at peace as you walk with Christ.
p.s. I hope my one comment did not cause confusion when I said:
"Telling people that if you are saved you will not be sinless but you will sin--less. All the emphasis is being placed upon man and what he or she does rather than what Christ has done."
I do believe good works are a part of the believers walk. However, when we attached works to salvation then it is virtually impossible to get doubters to look past their works to Christ when they think works validates their salvation.
Good works proves you are saved are the words of man and not God. You will have to reword verses to say that as James 2:14 is a huge blunder in churches today as I had to write a blog on that verse. This is where religion comes along and will view your actions as a way to determine whether you are saved or not.
The above is as silly as me treating you to a nice dinner at a fine restaurant but then expecting you to cough up a little money to show your gratitude for me paying for it.
Salvation is given to us entirely apart from works without even a single expectation of anything given back in return.
The beauty of salvation is like God going to a junk store to purchase junk. Do you think God would go back to the junk store demanding a refund for being sold junk? We do not need to polish ourselves up even slightly. God knew what He was getting, and He does all the polish and all we can do is enjoy the bathing we receive at salvation.
What I love about salvation is that faith is basically agreeing to allow God to lavish His love upon you without God expecting anything in return.
Fundamentalism has caused many of us to worry about the outward cup as though God is up there with a look of disgust on His face.
It is the living in our true identity (we are junk no more) that affects how we live. If you see yourself as junk then you will be making every fleshly effort to not look like junk. God is not pleased with our intense fleshly endeavors. The Galatians learned that lesson through Paul.
However, to see yourself as loved, accepted, sealed, saved, precious, bought, righteous, washed, forgiven, made alive, pleasing in His sight then our heart begins to change. We begin operating our lives out of our true identity.
I knew a pastor that said to the congregation that his wife said to him, "Even if you were to cheat on me with another woman I would forgive you as I love you that much." The pastor said that the thought of his wife loving him that much made the thought of having the freedom to commit adultery all the more repulsive.
If we can but see the love that God lavished upon us then we will agree with Paul, "The love of Christ constrains me."
Most of our struggles are almost always due to some law based view we have. When we live life, "I can't do this and I can't do that" is to short circuit that love and grace we have come to know. Not being under law is not an excuse to sin it up, but rather not being under law but rather love is a reason to love God back.
Salvation depends ENTIRELY on the faithfulness of God to us, but rewards depends on our faithfulness to Him.
I just wanted to clarify if anyone misunderstood my comment as though living however you want is acceptable. I just do not base my salvation on sinning less or good works. I have discovered through my many years before as a struggling believer that such a view NEVER brings freedom but only slavery. Freedom came when I truly accepted that freedom and no longer based my relationship upon my external behaviors.
I am freely justified. I am freely loved. No good works of mine can make His righteousness given to me any better, and none of my bad works of man can make His righteousness freely given to me any worse.
LOVE the comments and discussion here! Thank you. I've gotten quite a few comments that were emailed to me. I wanted to quote one part of an email that really struck me that struck a chord.
"Many instances have proven to me just how different our current church is compared to past ones...but I still feel like running and never going back. The desire to run has NOTHING to do with the current group, but EVERYTHING to do with the past and marks "religion" left."
This persons comment rang true- I will sit in a grace filled, amazing service and them BAM someone says something that triggers an old legalitic/abusive teaching that is still stuck in my head. I start to panic, can't breath, I feel sick. I hope pastors who want to reach out to those who have come from hurtful religious backgrounds know what kind of real struggles people go through. Lots of healing, lots of love, lots of grace needed. We don't need to kick people when they are down but throw bombs of grace an dlove to give them hope once again.
I have not read all of the comments, so pardon any redundancy if it applies.
Julie,
you are not alone, and what you are going through is a good thing (think Romans 8:28).
Hope and I are now on the other side of that storm and it is beautiful over here. Hang in there.
God will use all of this to make you stronger. He is doing some work. He is saving his sheep from cultic environments and bringing them into relationship with him. God's up to something here, and it sounds like he has chosen you to be a part of his work.
I wrote a post the other day abut my experiences but perhaps it might apply to you as well:
http://rockedbygrace.blogspot.com/2011/06/beauty-of-brokenness.html
Have a good one. Oh, and Hope says hi!
Mike
I know EXACTLY what you the person who emailed you mean by things bring up "old wounds." Just last night I started to get that panicked feeling as I overhead someone making a judgmental remark about another believer because they used the word "crap" in a sentence and then proceeded to brag about how they'd embarrassed an elementary school girl that came to our VBS by publicly rebuking her for her shirt being unbuttoned too far. I wanted to scream.
About attending church-
For me, attending church used to be all about.making my appearance known. I'm here, so people now know that I'm not backslidden and in sin- not that I ever felt staying home made me a backslider, but that was the guilt driven vibe I received from a fundy church.
Church was not about connecting with God's people and being inspired to continue my not so easy walk with Christ, but about having an appearance that life is easy as a Christian.
Well I have news for you, life is not intended to be easy for a Christian and church is a group of fellow believers struggling through this Christian life together! Fighting our sin natures and looking to Christ for all the answers- not some man behind a pulpit who feels like he has more say than we do because he is God's 'chosen one.'
We are all fallen sinners and should approach each other in a humble spirit.
Not judgmental and condeming!
The Christian life is a temporary journey where God puts us through a process of sanctification to be more like him!
It won't feel natural and it won't be easy by any means- we are all born with a sin nature- But it will feel right, freeing, and like a huge burden has been lifted of our life!
God doesn't want us to feel burdened down in despair, doing things because a guy in a pulpit tells us to!
He wants us to be free- free in Him!
It is a journey and a process that I think we all have to go through, but the end is worth it!
Hang in there my friend!
You are on the right path! A path to freedom!
I am presently taking a "hiatus" from organized religion, and actually feel closer to Christ than when I attend church services. Probably this is because when I go into a church, I feel like I am going back to "the scene of the crime", as I was badly traumatized by my religious upbringing, so it's difficult to feel the love of God in church.
I also, like you, feel cynical about the clergy and the power they wield over the congregration.
Did you know that for the first century or two after Christ ascended to heaven, the early Christians did not even have a term for "going to church"? That's because "church" to them, or "ecclesia", the Greek word, meant gathering together in each others' homes and having a spontaneous celebration in the Spirit. "Church" as a "building" was not known to them. I long for this kind of church, where the service is led by the Spirit and infiltrated with grace, and like you, I want God to lead me to such a fellowship.
In answer to your question - no, you're definitely not alone in how you feel! I hope you find the fellowship you are looking for -
Thanks for your honesty. I have church struggles but in a different way than you. I struggle as a mom and how my children/parenting are viewed. Church is one of the hardest places to take my kids because I feel like they are being watched and I feel like I have to appear like I have it all together as a mom. I have 3 silly, energetic boys. Sometimes I just want to skip Sunday school, Awana and all the children's stuff and just quietly slip in the back for the service, then slip out. It feels like every Sunday at least one of my boys gets in trouble for behavior. This summer we are traveling a lot and are missing church for 6 weeks in a row. I feel kind of relieved. My 5 year old is struggling with keeping his hands to himself. He is in a class with 3 and 4 year olds. I am thankful I don't have to worry about him getting in trouble for the next few weeks. It is hard! On the otherhand, I have found many sympathetic older moms and Grandma's at church. It is not all bad. I just get stressed.
God's pure grace- I am loving your comment! How in the world do you know about all of those ism's? I am right where you are Julie and I am so glad you posted this! I have been to my church of 12 yrs one time in the past year and not one person has called me or come by to ask where I've been, which really didn't bother me until my mom asked me if my pastor or anyone had contacted me to see where I had been. I was very active in this church too-taught sunday school, worked in the nursery etc. I am so tired of playing church and all the shiny plastic smiling people! I want real; is that too much to ask? I know there is no perfect church, but I just want a place to worship where I can be real without being condemned or being the latest subject of gossip! Religion makes me want to vomit!! It's good to know I'm not alone, but i am so scared I will never be able to step foot in another church!
Hi forgivn,
I know about isms probably due to being involved with religion from 1983 on. My majoring in bible at Bob Jones University probably contributed more to my insanity.
Your story is also my story. I went to a large fundamental baptist church for years. I went to bible college with many of the people my age back in the early 90's. I went on Neighborhood bible time in Boulder Colorado. I preached in Junior church and even taught the bible lessons in VBS. I knew very well the pastoral staff, but when I upped and left it seemed nobody to miss me. I did not receive one phone to ask where I had been. The only phone calls I did receive was from someone I did not know as they were only informing me of some upcoming event in Sunday School. When I told them I no longer attended church was for the guy to want to find out why to start a lengthy discussion to convince me otherwise.
Home bible studies where people share what is on their hearts, praying together, and even having a meal afterward has proven to be far better than any brick building I ever stepped foot in. You can be almost sure that a bible study in a home will be more from the heart than that whipped up sermon often delivered in some brick building.
Blessings!
Reading this wonderful post as well as the many responses has me wanting to pour out my heart on this now, but I just don't hav the time, but I do so want to come back later & continue as I plan to. I want to share more on this. God has been & continues to be so good to me, & I just want to take this time to publicly thank & praise Him for nmot leaving me when I act to stupid! Jesus is so wonderful, ther are no mere human words to explain it. Thank you Julie for pouring out your heart, the Lord loves that (Ps.62:8). Thank you PGB & others for your great posts. I'll be back & we'll talk! God Bless.
wonderful work! the way you discuss the subject i'm very impressed. i'll bookmark this webpage and be back more often to see more updates from you.
ayumi
www.brfe.net
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