It's been over a year since I put my words and heart on this page.
It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to.
The emotion, the excruciating pain--this journey of mine, as of late, has been beyond what I could possibly express.
Today--it will be raw. Uncut. Vulnerable.
Walk away now if you want a perfectly packaged post.
Walk away if you want poignant words and breathtaking prose.
Walk away if you want answers to your heart's questions.
Stay if you want to feel not so alone in your struggle.
Stay if you want to know that there are others who don't have it all together and don't have the answers even if they tried.
Stay if you know broken. If you know pain. If you wonder where God is.
What has happened in the past year?
In August, the pastor of the cult I came out of, the man who who was inappropriate with me in marriage counseling, the man who preached that God's love was conditional, was caught abusing a 16 year old year girl and transporting her over state lines. He will be sentenced to a minimum of 10 years in a federal penitentiary.
I shared my story publicly HERE.
(I am Julie Busby)
Then my 15 year crumbling marriage that has been struggling since the beginning, fell apart.
I filed for divorce in December- it will be final in September 2013.
Throughout these two major changes my faith has been shaken to the very core.
A crisis of faith.
A crisis of faith.
And this is where I will begin...
This past Wednesday, I made a date with God. I told Him that I needed Him to show up in a powerful, real and very tangible way.
I told him what a hypocrite I am.
What a disobedient sinner, a messed up, broken prodigal I am.
I told Him how I have nothing. Nothing.
Not one speck of anything to offer. I'm in the dirt, in the mud and in the filth of the world- in a pit and I have no idea how to get out.
I told Him how my heart is broken beyond repair and I am desperate for Him--
Jesus. Please help.
I heard nothing. Like talking to the wind. My heart aching. The loneliness beyond what I could handle. I could barely breathe.
While walking I reminded God of my desire--my greatest heart's desire.
Not money, fame, status, not any of it. Since the beginning of Julie its only been one thing..
A love that sees a heart, broken and battered and imperfect--lifts it up out of the mud, carefully, delicately and says--there is something beautiful there. I am willing to invest in that heart, cherish that heart, carefully protect and nurture that heart.
Love that heart.
Not just... love that body, love that mind, love that humor but love that heart.
Know that heart.
See that heart.
Want that heart.
And reciprocate it in a passionate and tender way.
I heard the many sermons and read the many Bible verses--"only God can be your all in all."
"He is the lover of your soul."
"He knows and wants to fill the void that is God shaped."
"You are His beloved."
But in the knowing- He is silent.
In the knowing- I do not feel His touch and I crave to be held in strong arms.
In the knowing- I am weak and reach out to those things that only destroy my soul in hopes that it will soothe the desperate loneliness and pain.
And so here I sit--in the middle of the hardest part of the journey.
And I say--where are you God?
Where are you?
I need you.