It's been over a year since I put my words and heart on this page.
It hasn't been because I haven't wanted to.
The emotion, the excruciating pain--this journey of mine, as of late, has been beyond what I could possibly express.
Today--it will be raw. Uncut. Vulnerable.
Me.
Walk away now if you want a perfectly packaged post.
Walk away if you want poignant words and breathtaking prose.
Walk away if you want answers to your heart's questions.
Stay if you want to feel not so alone in your struggle.
Stay if you want to know that there are others who don't have it all together and don't have the answers even if they tried.
Stay if you know broken. If you know pain. If you wonder where God is.
What has happened in the past year?
In August, the pastor of the cult I came out of, the man who who was inappropriate with me in marriage counseling, the man who preached that God's love was conditional, was caught abusing a 16 year old year girl and transporting her over state lines. He will be sentenced to a minimum of 10 years in a federal penitentiary.
I shared my story publicly HERE.
(I am Julie Busby)
Then my 15 year crumbling marriage that has been struggling since the beginning, fell apart.
I filed for divorce in December- it will be final in September 2013.
Throughout these two major changes my faith has been shaken to the very core.
A crisis of faith.
A crisis of faith.
And this is where I will begin...
This past Wednesday, I made a date with God. I told Him that I needed Him to show up in a powerful, real and very tangible way.
I told him what a hypocrite I am.
What a disobedient sinner, a messed up, broken prodigal I am.
I told Him how I have nothing. Nothing.
Not one speck of anything to offer. I'm in the dirt, in the mud and in the filth of the world- in a pit and I have no idea how to get out.
I told Him how my heart is broken beyond repair and I am desperate for Him--
Jesus. Please help.
Nothing.
I heard nothing. Like talking to the wind. My heart aching. The loneliness beyond what I could handle. I could barely breathe.
While walking I reminded God of my desire--my greatest heart's desire.
Not money, fame, status, not any of it. Since the beginning of Julie its only been one thing..
Love.
A love that sees a heart, broken and battered and imperfect--lifts it up out of the mud, carefully, delicately and says--there is something beautiful there. I am willing to invest in that heart, cherish that heart, carefully protect and nurture that heart.
Love that heart.
Not just... love that body, love that mind, love that humor but love that heart.
Know that heart.
See that heart.
Want that heart.
And reciprocate it in a passionate and tender way.
I heard the many sermons and read the many Bible verses--"only God can be your all in all."
"He is the lover of your soul."
"He knows and wants to fill the void that is God shaped."
"You are His beloved."
I know.
I KNOW.
But in the knowing- He is silent.
In the knowing- I do not feel His touch and I crave to be held in strong arms.
In the knowing- I am weak and reach out to those things that only destroy my soul in hopes that it will soothe the desperate loneliness and pain.
And so here I sit--in the middle of the hardest part of the journey.
And I say--where are you God?
Where are you?
I need you.
31 comments:
I believe these are real thoughts that should be the way to find the truth after being lied to for so many years.
You are not alone in your pain. You are not alone in your loneliness. I, too, am drowning in what seems to be an impossible and endless, answer-less alone. I know in my head that God loves me, but I can't feel it. I can't feel the peace. I put on a smile and pretend that "it's all good." But it's not.
You may feel alone in the dark, but I promise you - the "where are you?" that you hear coming back to you in the darkness is not an echo of your own pain - it is others of us crying out the same words.
Amy- thank you for your validating words.
Anonymous--hugging you and letting you know that your comment touched something deep in my soul. Thank you for bravely commenting--I don't feel so alone anymore...
Julie, you know I have been there in the background loving on you. Your prayer is my prayer and I cannot hear God's answer, either. I love you, sister. I'm standing with you.
Susan
Although the situation is different, I have been sharing some of those same feelings. Where are You God? Have I finally stepped too far over the line? Did You leave me a long time ago? Finally I came to a point where I said, "I have to trust You. I must love You. I lay this sad old body down on Your altar. Do what You want with me as long as You don't leave me."
I've been asking Him to increase my faith and love but when the feelings dried up I felt so alone. But feelings lie. Look at Job and Paul. Paul was in prison awaiting death. Job lost his kids, his fortune, his health. In spite of how I feel, my goal will still be loving, trusting and growing in Him. In my heart, I know you have too. There is no other alternative, is there?
julie, thank you for sharing your painful journey here. you are not alone. i too have been crying out into the seemingly emptiness to god. it is a constant battle against the lies we have been browbeaten with for so many, many years.... force fed that god removes himself from us, withholds his love from us unless we obey the preaching of our holier than thou false pastors. it is so hard to walk this new path, as young babies trying to learn to walk after being held prisoner in body casts of filthy lies. my heart aches and breaks for you julie, you who are so brave and lead us with that first step of honesty. you have given us the beautiful opportunity to share our pain and struggles with each other so we can gasp that breath of air in knowing, holy cow, we aren't alone! sadly, there are so many breaking hearts out there trying to toddle our first steps in new faith, stumbling, falling on our butts (without the padding of a diaper), scaping our hands and knees and trying to find god, love, acceptance, faith, a way out of the dark pit. i love you julie.
I love each of you...so much. What a cathartic experience to share our hearts freely.
Sometimes the greatest damage that is done is we get Christian platitudes and equations for our pain. Somehow our struggle and our crisis of faith is because we did not do enough, pray enough, give enough. That somehow we are not right with God or not being positive enough, not obedient enough...
the truth is...pain, heartache and struggle happens to all of us. God is right there in the middle of our mud pit, our crisis of faith--a God of muddy miracles...I don't see or hear Him right now but yes Donna Marie--there are no other options right now...
Hello Julie,
Sometimes problems can make us feel and think that God is silent, so God sends people your way to wrap their arms around you on His behalf. The love of God shed abroad in our hearts are reaching out to you. You are the daughter God always wanted, and He would never substitute you for anyone else. You might feel like the "lost coin" but even the coin never lost its value. Even when we feel we are at our lowest is to know that we are still seated far above in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. We are the praise of His glory, and are well-pleasing in His sight 24/7. Remember, you never crossed this world into heaven to find the love of the Father, but He crossed and came into ours for you. You do mean that much to Him.
I will be praying for you my friend.
Lord bless,
Dave
Julie, (and the others who have been open too) thank you for your honesty. It's good to know I'm not alone in my struggles. While I was reading your post the song "Falling Down" by Bebo Norman came to mind. Especially these words:
"Prophets made of paper
Don't tell her anything
She wants someone to save her
So she lifts her head and screams,
lifts her head and screams,
lifts her head and screams."
I once felt so close to God, but now I just feel worn after so many battles. I do 'hear' the Lord speak to me in my heart through different things from time to time but still I feel alone and I wonder why it has to be this way. I guess I have this thing in my head of how I think things in my life should have turned out, but they didn't - some not even close - so it leaves me feeling confused and without words.
I have moments when I wonder if He is still here, if He still cares, but deep inside I know He does because of who He is, not because of who I am.
Sometimes I just wish He would appear - why does He have to be invisible? Why does it have to be that we have to walk by faith and not by sight after we come to Him? If I have to walk this road 'alone' (no husband), then why can't Jesus physically appear to me every day...to give me a hug at the end of a long day. Or just let me look in His eyes at the end of the day (you know, like when you just look at the one you love and you feel like you're 'home'..like that), I just know that would give me the strength I need to keep going (and so much joy!). Why does everything seem to be hanging on 'the future' when God is "I Am" - here right now.
Maybe it's wrong or crazy to ask these questions, but they have surfaced in my mind and heart.
I guess I'm just trying to understand things that are way beyond my own comprehension.
So weary of reading "perfect" posts and so thankful for this open, honest and raw sharing of your feelings.
SO many people feel alone and confused - I've been there many times - yet are told to suck it up or keep on keepin' on... without any thought to how someone can keep on without getting to the core reasons of why we have felt the way we do.
So thankful that we don't have to brush our hurts under the rug. The reason we don't want to read about others' imperfect lives is because then it makes us look at our own broken selves.
We need to let others know that it's OKAY. No more hiding. No more shame. Only love... Hugs to you my friend. He does love you. Unconditionally.
Julie:
I too came out of a fundamentalist experience (cult)but nothing like what you experienced. At one time it was sugested that I read many of Hyles books if I wanted to get anywhere in ministry. Thankfully, I never did.
I left all that behind when my fundamentalist church condemned me for heresy (daring to say the KJV isn't perfect).
You have our prayers. What a story,what pain. However hope remains. Jesus will hold you close as you sort this out, I suspect He held you this entire time but perhaps the pain numbed you to sensing it.
I pray you feel Him near now.
Your Friend,
Mike
Your voice matters, Your voice is powerful and needed. Welcome back.
Dave, Sharon, Sherry and Mike--you have no idea how your words and your fellowship in this little corner of the world encourages and uplifts me and so many others. Much love to each of you.
Mar--that made me cry. Thank you.
Agree with Sherry about the "perfect posts." People just repeat things you already know and it does not help or comfort. Life is messy and we are weak. Coming clean with our brothers and sisters in Christ gives them an opportunity to put into practice the love that Christ told us was the way all would know that we are His disciples. Look at all these amazing people (broken people, just like you and me) running to love and lift you with life-giving words. This is God's strength played out on a platform of weakness, and as Dave said, God having us wrap our arms around you on His behalf. I,too, pray fervently that you will feel it soon!
Hi
Julie,
Its me, MAtt.
You kow that I am not going to try to blow smoke....
You are hurt. You have been abused by the very institution that you trusted in.
If you continue to question, you will find answers.
If you continue to search, you will find. DONT STOP QUESTIONING!
Be open, be yourself, and you will succeed. You will be rewarded for your honesty. God gave you a brain to use.
I don't know the details about how that is going to work out, but it does.
The reason is you are a genuine caring honest person that is trying to find a way to be accepted unconditionally.
I am your unconditional friend,and will help you in this journwy any way I can.
Hey JULIE- this is your old friend from New Zealand. I hear you, and many others, for I too have visited this place time and again- I find it a very scary place!My heart goes out to all of you who are suffering such deep heart ache right now. I lift each of you up to God and pray that He will send you answers- I believe they are on there way [ Daniel's answer was dispatched immediately but took 3 weeks to arrive....] When I was first in that deep deep valley, and cried out for God to reveal Himself to me- a situation was set in motion over a period of months- and from that I gained a new and trusted friend who has been a prayer-partner for 35 years, now. Praying for each of you that your answer will be revealed, and that it comes with arms that HUG you close in a deep embrace, filling your hearts with a certainty that YOU ARE LOVED, ADORED, CHERISHED.
With love, Mary.
Dear Julie: As others have said, it is wonderful to see your words on my computer screen again. I grieve that you have had such a "year of the locusts" since last contact. Be strong Beloved, you have such a wonderful gift of words for others. May I just relate what I do when I am lost and hurting for Jesus? I roll up the covers on my big bed to the side that I do not sleep on, make believe that my best Friend is just beside me, and I begin to talk to Him! It works for me, and I rest in the conversation with a friend, telling Him all my hurts from the heart! I know that folks will think that I am strange, but it works! Love and peace to you, my friend!
You are not alone. I have been in that place so many times and sometimes every other day. I know He's there, but don't always feel him. I can't answer as to why and I won't give the pat answers we all do sometimes, I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Hi, Julie. I read your post with tears streaming down my face. I have struggled with the same feelings...where are you God...do You really love me? Your post also reminded me of what i have prayed too many tines to remember..i do not want fame, to be rich...I just want You, Jesus.. to love,hold and assure me i am Yours...but silence. I appreciate the raw honesty of your post, Julie. Kim.
Julie, I've read many things that you've written In the last year. I want you to know I believe you and your story, and admire your courage and honesty in speaking out. I will be listening and cheering for you.
Julie, I have prayed through your private struggles this year, even as you prayed through mine. And now that all of this is so public, I know that it is both liberating and frightening.
I do wish God would show up visibly sometimes. Just to sit on the couch next to us, smile and tell us it will be okay. That part of this 'Faith' is terribly frustrating.
But I'm encouraged that you are seeking Him -- asking -- longing. A read through the Psalms isn't unlike this post of yours. Wondering where God is a natural part of a healthy walk.
Love and grace to you....
Anonymous, Kim, Denise and David--you are each an incredible gift from God to me. I don't feel like I have substantial words to express my gratitude and appreciation for them. You each have been a hug from God to me.
You're God's girl. You are His beloved...something you tell us all the time, but perhaps need to hear too: Julie, you ARE HIS BELOVED! Nothing can ever separate you from His love.
Thank you for being real. I saw your comment on Steve McVeys FB page and followed your page to this blog. I know it wasn't a mistake.
I feel sick after reading your story. I too was sexually abused as a teen for over 3 years by one of my pastors in a very legalistic church. The emotional and spiritual damage done by those years is beyond understanding.
I returned to church years ago, determined to not run from it, but the memories that surface while there, the physical symptoms and increase in dreams is too much! I have come to realize that the "church" is not the place to receive help and healing for abuse by a pastor. They are sympathetic and caring, but they really don't want to go any deeper.
Today has been a rougher day than usual...I have been in intense counseling for over a year now. With each session more damage is uncovered. I don't see an end to all this, a way out.
just last year I confronted the pastor and the full truth came out. He has been removed from ministry, and his wife has divorced him (none of which brings me joy).....he is currently paying for my counseling (for that I am thankful) but the statue of limitations is up on prosecuting him.
I know that God can heal, but wonder if He will ever truly free me from the pain I live with every day of my life this side of Heaven.
Maybe I am to surrender to the pain, trusting that He will give me the grace to carry it? But that feels like giving up.
I have not been to church for over 2 years now. There are things about it that I miss so much, but I can not put myself through anymore of the pain that is associated with it.
Thank you for your blog, for being real and for putting yourself out there with your story.
Char,
I don't know if you will even see or read this but I want you to know that I hear and see your pain. You are not alone. It is a painful journey but there truly is hope and healing. There are moments when I am in a deep pit of pain and other moments when the joy of freedom and grace overwhelm me. It is baby steps. It is relishing the beautiful moments and believing the bad ones will slowly fade into a glorious new life of hope. You are loved my friend. You are seen. -Julie
Hey Jules! Knew the first incident. Did not know the second. Was looking at links on Red-Letter Believers and saw you had just posted. You know there is love here, not judgment. You know I will listen. I think you also know my #. You definitely know my email and i will be glad to help any way i can. no pithy words. No Christianese. Just love.
The thing we need to remember as believers is that God does not leave us, God does NOT turn his back on us. He promises never to 'leave us or forsake us.' Is God present? Of course. Does he hear the cries of his children? OF COURSE! But the barrier between us and God is SIN. When we are unrepentent of our sin, we can not have communion with God. So, the question for you is not 'Where are you God?' but 'What do I need to repent of God?' Repenting of your wrong doing in your marriage, making that right...whatever it takes would be a good start. That doesn't mean that your husband doesn't have repenting to do. But God HATES divorce, it IS a sin. Repent and be made whole!! I say this out of love, not judgement. As a fellow believer to another we are to hold each other accountable in all areas where we might fall short!
Dear Anonymous,
Isn't it beautiful that God never forsakes us? You are right--yes, He is very present. I know deep in my soul that He is and it comforts me-but it would be disingenuous of me to claim that in my 20 plus years as a Christian I haven't doubted, or questioned or struggled. Like any relationship there are moments of silence, moments of incredible closeness. I am so glad that in the silence He promises to never leave.
I want to also call attention to a falsehood and lie you posted--divorce is NOT a sin--if this were true God is a sinner because in the Old Testament God divorced Israel. Don't get me wrong, God HATES divorce but the real sin is unforgiveness, bitterness, wrath, etc.
Looking at myself-Have I forgiven my husband? Yes Have I bitterness against him? No I am sure there are many areas I need to work on and heal from but I hold no ill will against him. No saying all that
--you have no say in my life. You don't know my story or reasons for divorce, you don't know my heart, you don't know the years, the decades I spent trying to work it through--you simply DON'T know. You assume. You hide behind an unknown name and face and stick your finger in my eyeball and say, "Sinner!"
Actions like this show your heart, your self-righteousness, your pride and your cowardice.
Feel free to come to me privately and with a real name and a face and I will hear you out. I am not accountable to anonymous people.
Thank you, I needed this tonight!
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